Riding waves and spirals in search for balance

The wandering mind travels through eons’ worth of information spread through the web of life, yet it always feels like it’s only receiving a tiny fragment of the whole truth, bits and pieces that will never form a full puzzle.

Frustratingly cyclical, it keeps reaching the same conclusions before drifting off towards seemingly new situations, but reaching more or less the same outcomes.

The desire to understand is bigger than me, my restless mind aims to aim towards something, there’s always an issue that needs dissecting in some corner of my brain, always some magnetizing enigma right around the corner that draws me in, makes me want to solve it. I keep explaining things that don’t make sense, I don’t even realize many of them are aspects of daily life, so every day I have to soothe my mind by thinking about them.

I am an innate problem solver yet I’m averse to many kinds of problems. I ran away from maths without context and conflict without meaning, yet I caused so many problems of my own, on my own, just trying to deal with the immensity and complexity of my experience.

We’re all filled with flaws and traumas, outdated patterns born out of fear and alienation, stress addled bad choices and sad mindsets and desperate actions.

Yet I can’t stop trying and wanting to be close to perfect,I can’t stop hurting myself and wanting more, I get lost in what seems like a wild mirroring playground, in which rollercoasters guide my emotional life and merry-go-rounds have me hopping from one loopy pattern to another.

In a way, they’re just another kind of comfort zones. In a way, I don’t want to leave. But I can’t stand staying here anymore either.

The wandering mind takes the long road back home and often stops along the way, accidentally takes new routes but they always lead back to the same places. Freedom awaits in all of those twists and turns. It’s always about the journey, not the destination. That’s where information lays, waiting to be discovered. Just don’t overthink it or else the magic is gone and you end up back from where you started.

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