Jigsaw falling into place

I started this blog guided by a strong impulse a week or so after reading about female Asperger’s. I very recently stumbled upon female aspie checklists and other blogs. The experience turned my world upside down. For a while, my mind was on a loop. Could this really be? Is this it? Seems to be. I’m an aspie. But what if I’ve just been reading too much and I’m desperate about an answer regarding why I feel so different? What if I’m a fraud? If I’m not aspie, then how do I explain my mental state? Then I would quickly go over all the symptoms and experiences that match mine and conclude yes, I’m pretty sure I’m an aspie. 

Then I would eventually fall back into the same thought loop. And the more I read, the more I found that reminded me so much of this or that aspect of my being, the more I knew this is really it, I had just forgotten. Buried under coping mechanisms and years of studying the depths of the human mind and the way humans act, trying intuitively to find the instruction manual that comes with social interactions, trying intuitively to stay away from stimuli, trying so hard not to be hard on myself and feel broken when I would see that no matter what I do, I still feel overwhelmed by daily minor things, I still feel a constant fatigue, there’s still a hungry uneasiness inside that always pulls me in one direction or another.

The checklists hit so close to home, but the real revelation were the blogs. It all seemed so familiar, the vibes I would get from the writings, the recurrent themes that I found myself immersed in as well, on and on throughout my life, like the search for truth, the unconditional love, the feeling of otherness. I could understand so much, and the most amazing moments were those when I would find little specific things about me that would be described so beautifully by someone else, or I would discover that experiences I took for granted are something only we go through.

I always felt I was different but I never thought this is the Aspie experience. I would wonder, from time to time, why I feel so limited regarding certain aspects even though my brain is so sharp and I could do pretty much anything I put my mind to, why it’s so hard to go out, why I’m not growing out of my shyness, why I can’t get rid of this existential fatigue and why it’s so hard to fall asleep at night, when my mind, left to its own devices, wants to explore and won’t shut down.

Jigsaw falling into place, like the Radiohead song. Dots connecting, synchronicity. In the past couple of months I was getting more and more agitated after realizing that my symptoms are still there, only more moderate, even after radical lifestyle changes that took away all the big stress. I wanted an answer. The universe understood. My struggle in the dark had continued for too long. I really needed the light.

I named this blog “borderline aspie” thinking I’m a BPD aspie or a borderline aspie, as in almost-aspie. Now I realize BPD may have been dominant in a part of my life, back when I was really struggling to make sense of the world and was heavily medicated, but now, that the fog of chemicals has long lifted and my life is in much greater order and balance, I now that BPD was mainly a reaction to my experience as an aspie, not understanding what’s happening to me, the intensity of it all too unbearable, the alienation and misunderstanding pushing me further away from myself. As for almost-aspie, I don’t know where the lines get drawn, but from what I’ve read and experienced, I’m just a very well adapted aspie.

Finally, I am ready to embrace my self-diagnosis. I hope I’ll one day afford to get a proper diagnosis from a specialist. I am well aware of the risks of self-diagnosis. But I’ve been playing the loop for too long in my mind and each time, everything points in the same direction. It’s the logical conclusion. These are exciting times! An unexpected plot twist, when I thought I knew everything about myself.

I’m so excited to share these experiences with you, the great unknown audience of the internet. I am scared and I hope you won’t be too harsh on me, I hope I’ll be able to give something back at one point and not just take your attention. I hope this is not a mistake.

Thank you for reading!